Smile like you mean it

I'm not quite sure where my life is headed, and I wanted to rant about it the other day but I held my tongue. All around me people are getting BLAHhed out, and I didn't want to add to the fray.

In our relationships with people, we are primarily "givers" to some people but primarily "receivers" to some. I suppose achieving and equal number of both kinds of friends is the wises thing to do, but it always isn't the case.

I think I'm basically more of a receiver. I've always been a sounding board since grade school. I don't know why but people were attracted to telling me secrets. I guess it's because I was quiet and reserved and they didn't think I'd tell on them. And I never did. I still feel like a sounding board sometimes with some of my friends. It gets tiring. There are days when I feel low and I rack my head for someone I can talk to but I can't think of anyone. I feel like I'm going to take too much of their time. I think they won't really listen to me. I find it so easy to listen but so difficult to talk.

Recently, I found someone I could confide in. Even if I didn't feel like complaining about my life to her, because I didn't want to drain her out, she'd ask about me still. It's nice, to be looked after like that.

During my non-single days, it used to be so easy to dump EVERYTHING on the boyfriend. Joys, sorrows, hopes, fears... I miss having that one person to share everything with, but I guess it's time for me to build networks. The problem with using just one bridge is when it falls down, you're virtually an island.

People don't like ending relationships because everything is invested in that one big bridge. Sure it's long. Sure it's wide. But there's only ONE of it.

My receiving friend told me to write about how I felt, because it's what I felt.

And now I have.

Sitting duck

I'm glad I'm friends with some of my exes. I really am. I read someone's post the other day that she has quit even becoming friends with guys because you can never be JUST friends with guys (the movie When Harry Met Sally has interesting insight on this topic). And then I have a girl friend who refuses to be friends with exes because it's just not natural.

So why do I bother to be friends with some exes? I just think they make good friends, these guys! I don't get sexual-tension vibes with them when we meet up. It's very one-of-the-boys moments now when we meet up. What's funny is these 2 guys (the ones I'm still friends with) are in relationships now, and their girlfriends are cool about us meeting up. As long as it's not that often, I guess. I wouldn't want to meet up with them *that* often anyway!

My most recent ex-friend (or should I say friendly ex?) even asked me if I would date one of his friends. Weird huh? Still, it's flattering that he'd let one of his best buds go out with me. I don't know how strict guys' rules are about dating exes of friends. I think girls' covert rules are stricter. Anyway, it's not like we hung out with this friend of his before. I think I met him once or twice and that's it.

I said I wouldn't mind accompanying his friend (who still had a girlfriend the time I was asked) to watch a movie or something, but a date-date as in a really serious one? I'd have to give that more thought. But being the good friend that I am, I immediately thought of other girls for the friend to date.

My ex also expressed disbelief (if I read through the lines correctly) that I'm not seeing anyone right now. Haha! Very flattering really, but I'm just not interested. Yet.

My dad asked me the other day if I planned to have kids. I said: "Not really... no. .. depends on the guy." I do not want to be ruled by my ovaries. I do not want to be panicking over not having my eggs picked while they're ripe. Because I believe that sort of thinking will make me go for any type of guy that comes my way. I believe it'll make me settle just to have my eggs settled in.

Right now I'm just concentrating on making myself happy -- which is such a big task in itself -- and then the right guy will come along.

*crosses fingers*

Wishlist 101

I just want to feel wanted.