I've been feeling so BLAH lately

blah.

It sucks to be me

I really don't like ranting. I don't want to be whiny and superficial and tiring. Which is why I have this blog. I can rant away and not give a rat's @$$.

I just feel like my life sucks. Writer-ex, who I'm surprisingly in good terms with (we chat almost everyday! gasp!), was flailing his life problems at me and I just wanted to parry all that $hit back to his face and tell him he lives independently of his parents, he has a job that granted is not super decent but he gets to travel AND he has extra time to write, and he has a girlfriend. And they're happy!

Oh I get it. This is karma staring me right in the face. I've had a lot of times in the past where boyfriends would come to me with their problems and I'd think, wow! Aren't I lucky? And it wasn't even in the smug I'm-better-than-you way! I was really genuinely concerned for them, and at the same time I was thankful for being shown how lucky I was (at that time). I'm sure my life right now is so much better than a lot of others' lives, but that's not the point, is it?

It's about what makes YOU happy. It's about standards that are YOUR OWN.

And yeah, by my standards, I'm not happy.



P.S. Of course the proper response to the title of this entry is:

Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?

Just grin and BER it

Gosh is it September already?!? How this year has flown!

It started out crazy and directionless for me, but now I'm following a path that I'm not really sure I want, but I'm embracing it with fervor. I guess I've had nothing to cling on to for a while now and I'm grabbing the first lifesaver flung my way.

A month from today I'll be halfway around the globe. On the credit of a friend. I'll be reviewing for an exam. One that I'm taking on the credit of a sibling. If I can't be motivated enough, at least I am prompted by the fact that I actually OWE people horrendous sums of money. Money that I can't earn in a year of working my current job here. This is why I'm scrambling to bring home the bacon.

Some call it the American Dream. Some call it the search for personal growth. Me? I just want to buy my independence. Heck, I'm almost three decades old! Is a little independence too much to ask?

The Waiting Game

While chatting with friends yesterday, S told us about her weekend with her boy and although I was happy for her, part of me just zoned out and suddenly became wistful. N said it's good that S found a guy who treats her how she wants to be treated. And N is extremely lucky because she's married to this great guy who totally gets her too.

I wonder when it'll be my turn.

Single me out

I'm thick into the tangled web called life, and sometimes it just overwhelms me so. I know I have to move my feet in a certain direction, but I feel stuck. I know I'm going somewhere even if I'm not moving. I really have to get my feet moving. One step at a time, my horoscope encouraged me.

I've been caught up in deadlines which I didn't knew existed, and I ran out to meet them. Now I'm wondering whether I should've run or not. Others in the same race are walking at a leisurely pace, and although I've crossed my finish line, I now see so many errors during my mad dash to the finish.

Should've. Could've. Would've.

And nothing I can do about it.

Maybe someday I'll be less cryptic and actually expound on what it is I'm doing. It's not like it's a secret worthy of the Secret Service anyway. God what an awful joke!

A friend showed me his alter-blog today. Funny this blogging thing. You develop your own online persona and then you develop another one to counter it. People with Multiple Personality Disorders (it's not schizophrenia, people! that's entirely different!) can come up with online versions of ALL their personalities and still have time to dream up others.

I wonder if the denizens of psychiatric institutions have access to the internet. All avid bloggers claim that blogging is a form of therapy. Wouldn't that be interesting? In the same way, prisoners should be able to blog too. I mean, if citizens of Iraq and Lebanon are telling how it really is through their blogs, why can't these institutionalized people?

I'm veering away from what I purported to write about, which was about blogging in general.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't too off-track.

Blogs. Therapy.

The thing about my friend is he doesn't just have his blogs as an outlet. He has a girlfriend too. (and i'm not saying that girlfriends are just that -- outlets -- ok?) I felt a teeny bit of envy zapping out from my end of the keyboard to his (we were chatting). Then I had to remind myself (like i just did last night, and the other night, and the other night...) that I don't need that sort of complication right now because I have things to fix! I have myself to fix!

But ah... what I'd give to have things more complicated. :)