Not till the fat lady sings

Years back, I thought when I'd reach this age, I'd be set for life: my own place, a stable, well-paying job, my own someone. Sad to say, I have none of the above.

In other cultures, parents practically push their kids out of their house when they reach 18. A decade past that and here I am mooching off their food, their electricity. I don't even pay for my own cell phone bill!

Now I'm not the lazy slacker bum you might think me to be. YEARS of education and a cool couple of letters after my name, I have yet to master this big nebulous thing called the Real World.

One of my pet peeves right now is how much, nay, how little my current job pays. Granted I have a lot of time off, I think I could make so much more if I were in another job. I've been making what, around $100 a MONTH. I constantly have to dip into the draught-ravaged river that is my savings... for daily expenses and not even luxury stuff! If it weren't for a sideline, this part-time job that I have, I'd be neck-deep in debt and self-pity.

Really, earning a measly hundred dollars a month does nothing for my self-esteem. I'm glad I'm not caught up in the whole fashionista scene, or the techie scene for that matter. I'm perfectly happy with $1 2nd-hand stuff and my teeny tiny MP3 player that's 2 years old. Both get me through my daily commute. No need for shoes that are 10x my salary or the latest ipod that's rendered obsolete once the next model is released.

Of course I could complain to no end and run my saliva dry...

Or I could choose to do something about it.

I'm doing something about it. Hopefully these baby steps I'm taking now will earn me the wings that I need to fly later on.

And fly I will.

The Season is Calling

This guy has been sending me messages on my mobile and I have been responding with one-liners or not responding at all. He's asked me out once and I said no, still he's been texting. Best buddy C tells me there really are people who can't take a hint.

I *do* feel lonely sometimes and I *do* want to have someone to call mine, but something is telling me my single season won't be over soon. And that's just fine by me. I was reading through an old journal and in it I had just broken up with someone. I wrote that I still have to find myself. Lo and behold, a couple of relationships and 3 years later, I am still trying to find me. I think I'm really trying harder now though.

So, to the guy who's been messaging me, sorry. I'm in a totally one-of-the-guys mood right now. There's this bunch of guys I like hanging out with, but it doesn't happen very often. The Messenger is friends with one of them. I just hope He doesn't show up when I'm hanging out with the boys because I think that'd make things awkward.

And then I made a movie date with best buddy C for the end of the week. That's cool because it'll just be 2 friends hanging out. What the Messenger was proposing sounded more like a date-date and I'm just trying to avoid that right now.

That and blind dates. Haha! I've only been on one so far and though it didn't suck in itself, the whole prospect of going out with someone you've never met for the sake of going out seems lame to me.

With that, let it be known that I am indefinitely "closed for maintenance." :)

Liars go to hell

This just in.

Can I just say that I don't like my mom for changing religions? She's now born-again and I don't have anything personal against them. I just can't correlate her being Bible-toting and all that with the other inconsistencies in her life.

Like today. She asked me and and my dad to say she's out of town if Sister X calls. Why?, we asked. Because she's praying and fasting and doesn't want to be disturbed! Uh, ok, you pray and fast to clear your soul and to be able to hear the Word of God better, but you want others to LIE for you at the same time?

That's just plain absurd.

This perked me up though! :)

Click here:
http://www.neilgaiman.com/journal/2006/06/small-followup_11.html

Melancholia

I am in the mood stated above. Listening to Sheryl Crow on Pandora isn't helping much.

Not really melancholy about anything in particular.

I've been blog-hopping across acquaintances' blogs. There's this girl whose blog I like stalking, er, reading, because, well, she expresses her thoughts well and her battles are mine too. Then I hopped to one of her friends' blogs and I found another really admirable woman to read!

I'm not lesbian, but times like these, I think I'd rather be! Haha! Here are two lovely, attractive, smart, single women and someone entirely like them (read: me) is totally relating to them. Makes me wonder if anyone actually stops by *my* blog because what I have to say (not necessarily who i am) is interesting.

Anyway, I'm off-course.

Why is it that I find more attractive women than attractive men? In terms of looks, in terms of personalities. Yet, I find it so difficult to relate to women I've just met. Being "one of the guys" is so natural to me, maybe part of me views the same sex as the opposite (and thus making them more attractive). I don't think I'm making sense at all.

And these women, they express their thoughts so eloquently. I feel like a rambling parrot.

*squawk*

Are You Gonna Go My Way?

I created this blog to be a home-away-from-home so I can air my frustrations, rants and other expletives, but I seem to have been fixated by one subject: love. Ha! My life is hardly about that (or the lack of that) at all!

There's also the lack of money...

The lack of direction...

The lack of a purpose for BEING...

And I'm not some suicidal, depressive, needy chick either. I just happen to be taking the long, meandering way to wherever it is that I'm supposed to go.

And as that Aerosmith song goes, and this recent movie whose title I forgot, it's all about the journey and not the destination.

So I'm on a fast car headed nowhere, but I'm not spiralling downward. I'm just plain spiralling. And getting dizzy along the way. But time isn't one to rush. Time has the luxury of taking his time. How cool is that? I just have to ride this out with Him.

I'm going places, that's for sure! :)

Do You Speak My Language?

There's a book entitled The Five Love Languages that I read before. It says the success of a relationship is based on knowing how to speak your partner's love language, and vice-versa. It came with a little quiz on how to determine your love language (because "knowing is half the battle"), and sadly, I've forgotten mine already. But that's really not the point of this. Right now, I don't have to know my language because no one has to learn how to speak it anyway.

Yesterday, one of the nicest guys I know got married. Not quite at gunpoint, but there have been certain catalysts. Ok, just one catalyst, which I won't mention no matter how cryptic this blog is anyway. Are you pregnant with curiousity already?

When I found out he was getting married, I ranted to C to knock some sense into him. Ha. As if they knew each other.

C, another one of my most favoritest (sic) people in the whole wide world, really got married at gunpoint. And now that his 3(?)-year marriage (I wasn't invited so I have an excuse not to remember the date) is falling apart, I thought he'd be the best person to impart some wisdom to T. But it never happened and T got married yesterday and I just found out today that C's gunning for an annulment.

And since we're speaking along the lines of marriage anyway, I received an email from a friend today who admitted she's looking into marrying her boyfriend of 4 months so she can continue to reside in the country she's currently in.

I haven't responded to her yet (I have an excuse! I'm busy!) but this is what I want to tell her:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear L,

I may not know much about money, or love, and I can't say I have a lot of both either, but I do know that getting into a marriage of convenience should not even be on your list of options!!! Come home immediately so I can screw your head on right!

Love,
Me
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Love is such a complicated, complicated thing, and marriage even more so because it combines love (a very, very complicated thing) and the law (also a very, very complicated thing)!

And if you agree with what's written here and you DO speak my love language, stay away from me. Stay very far away!

Virtuality

I'm attracted to a virtual guy.

Virtual guy?

Virtual in the sense that I know nothing of him IRL. Except that he really *does* exist -- we're separated by 1 degree.

He's passionate. You can see it in his photography.

He's romantic (or at least a closet one). You can tell from the way he writes.

He writes poems. He plays the guitar. His work involves math. I'm pretty sure he has a well-developed corpus callosum. (Yes, I'm letting the geek in me peek out a bit)

Oh, wait, I said the magic word!

Geek!

I'm am horribly, insanely attracted to geeks, it's not funny!!!

And this guy is definitely geek material. And I have no f**king clue what he looks like, which I normally don't bother with actually.

Ask my friends if my exes could be described as hot. They'd laugh at you. Honestly. Well, maybe just this one ex, but my point is, I've never been known to fall for lookers.

It's all about the mind, baby! The brain is the sexiest thing there is in this world. Period.

So is it possible to be attracted to a virtual entity? I know there have been many romances that started online in this day and age. I have friends who have friends who met their current partners online. (my circle of friends still seem to stick with the real world)

But then what *is* real? Could our online personas be more "real" than what we project to the world IRL?

Is this why online romances work? The masks we wear can be dropped when we're in front of our computer?

What puzzles me about this virtuality is the incongruence that could possibly set in when it melts into reality. How do people cope? Do they drop the mask for good? Or do they realize they've been duped, not that the person they fell in love with doesn't EXIST, s/he just doesn't exist in THIS WORLD. Parallel universes and that sort of shit.

As virtual as this attraction is to me, I do know that this is a sign from the Universe that guys like him still do exist. I just have to find one in the REAL WORLD. In the meantime, I can start online.

My Best Friend's Wedding

C wasn't my best friend then, and I wasn't invited to his wedding. It was a pity it happened. Not that I had (or have, or will have) thoughts on getting back together with him. We hang out, and it's all good. Except for his relationship with his wife. I told him time and again it was an accident waiting to happen, and it did. You do *not* mess around with Mother Nature like that because Mother Nature, being Mother Nature, wrongly assumes that it is our Nature to be Mothers. I haven't ever seen her with their kid, but I don't think she's Mother-of-the-year material.

He's an intrinsically good guy. He really is. Which is why it's sad to see him squirming in her clutches like that.

And so I posed this question to S: "What is it with good guys? Why do they end up with..."

"Bitches?," she finished my question for me.

We have a friend, T, who's getting married soon (can you say 6 days?) and he's a really GOOD guy. He's funny, he's a gentleman, he's athletic. He's getting married to a bitch. What is wrong with this world?!? Granted I don't know the girl well either, but I know what they're like together and it's wrong. All wrong.

I'm not wishing and hoping and praying he'd end up with me. Ugh! I liked him for a little bit back then but nice as he is, he's not the type whose words I'd drown in, so I labelled him "Friend" early on. But why can't he end up with someone equally nice? Some nice, smart, charming girl who'd make it a point to make friends with his friends? Is this the way the forces of the world even things out? By pairing nice guys with bitches and nice girls with, um, he-bitches?

Guess we should start looking for our he-bitches then.